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August 2, 2010

This summer has not been all that I had hoped it to be. Granted I’ve been able to spend some great time at home, had the honor and privilege of being a part of two of my closest friends’ wedding, and have done a lot of catching up with friends here in Oregon. However the Lord has thrown some curve balls my way as well. I am still unemployed as well as a few other things. All of this has got me thinking about what exactly the Lord has in store for me. I’m not really sure why I’m here for the summer, not really sure where I’m suppose to be next year, and not really sure why I’m not hearing anything from Him.

These last few weeks have been difficult for me and it has really emphasized the dull and lifeless relationship that I currently have with God. I’ve been in pain, felt alone, and cried out to Him; yet I still felt nothing. I had no desire to read the Bible, my prayers were surfacy (when they happened), I wasn’t really listening for the Lord, and I had decided to try things on my own for a while. Now I know that every time that I attempt to control my life and figure things out on my own, it always fails beyond all expectations. I found myself in this funk and hated that I had no idea how to even begin to pull myself out.

The end of my rope came this morning in church. All of a sudden I was worshiping without abandon and I found myself at the alter, broken before the Lord. I was confessing all of my stupid attempts to control things myself and releasing everything to Him. I was no longer searching for a temporary feel-good. I was searching for the peace that surpasses all understanding. I just wanted it to be me and the Lord, and it was. I could feel His arms around me, embracing me with so much love. I could hear Him telling me that everything is going to be okay…

…. and for the most part, everything is. He has really spoken to me in big ways today. He is finally beginning to open doors that I have been praying about for the last year. I am beginning to see just a glimpse of the plan that He has for me.

I still don’t have a job, I’m still not 100% sure why I’m here, and I have no clue where I’m going to end up next year.

But, I do know that the Lord has a plan and His plan is greater that any of the plans that I had.

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